Tuesday, December 29, 2009

What if the Government Ran Airport Security? Oh, Wait, It Does...

Editor’s Note: Your editor strongly advises swallowing your coffee before reading this virtual column and risk spitting out that coffee. As always, we are not making this up.

The following poem, which was written under the pen name “Blogger Bob,” appears on the Transportation Security Administration web site, and should provide comfort to all those wondering precisely how Our Government is protecting us.

Note especially the date—i.e. the day before a man set himself on fire while attempting to bring down a fully loaded jet at Detroit International Airport on Christmas Day:

Happy Holidays 2009

T'was the night before travel and all through the suitcase/ Not an item was stirring not even the toothpaste.

The stockings were packed in the bag with great care/ With hopes that they soon would be in the air.

The tickets were nestled all snug in a binder/ Your PDA calendar set as a reminder.

Awaking to a yard of frost and snow/ With a grab of your bags you were soon on the go.

At your gate just in time with moments to spare/ Your seat reclined as you glide through the air.

You fall right to sleep as in your own bed/ While visions of fruitcakes danced in your head.

Awaking to sounds of wheels on the ground/ Waiting for luggage you hope will be found.

You have finally arrived at your destination/ It's time to enjoy your holiday vacation.

Happy Holidays and we'll see you in 2010.
—TSA Web Site

Now, after a moment of stunned silence at this staggering bit of government cluelessness, we here at NotMakingThisUp couldn’t resist coming up with our own version of the friendly TSA holiday poem—although one based on the realities of the day, as opposed to the fantasies of a well-paid government employee whose pension is more secure than that of anyone reading this blog, and whose employment will never be threatened whether or not he or she actually performs his or her job.

Ode to Osama Al Queda Bin Terrorist

‘Twas the night before Christmas and in a safe house,
An explosive device was prepared that would douse,
A passenger booked on a flight to the States,
With chemicals, if he could get past the gates.

“Security? Praise Allah!” his handlers told him,
“Getting through that is the least of your problems.
“The Infidels worry so much for decorum,
“They wand Grannies instead, when fake hips trip alarms.

“But you with your name—‘Osama Al Qaeda Bin Terrorist’
“Should have no problem since you will be on their ‘A-List’
“They’ll let you go through without even a glance,
“While Grandmas and Grandpas must undo their pants.”

And so it was later, on Delta 2-5-3,
Where 300-odd souls had been watching TV,
And while TSA’s “Blogger Bob” ignored warnings of mayhem,
That a terrorist very nearly successfully killed them.

What of Grandma and Grandpa, for whom security freaked?
Well the flight wasn’t nearly as bad as you’d think.
For they were arrested, stripped-searched and taken away,
When their pacemakers set off Codes Red, Blue and Grey.

Well, we did make that up….

Jeff Matthews
I Am Not Making This Up

© 2009 NotMakingThisUp, LLC

The content contained in this blog represents only the opinions of Mr. Matthews, who also acts as an advisor: clients advised by Mr. Matthews may hold either long or short positions in securities of various companies discussed in the blog based upon Mr. Matthews’ recommendations. This commentary in no way constitutes investment advice, and should never be relied on in making an investment decision, ever. Also, this blog is not a solicitation of business: all inquiries will be ignored. The content herein is intended solely for the entertainment of the reader, and the author


John said...

Well you could privatize our security . The companies could go public , they could hire ex goverment people, they could use
the steady stream of taxpayer money to raise even more money. They could give themselves stock options kinda like Bernie Kerik did. They could donate some of that money to their favorite Senator or Congressman or President to assure even more money . ...Its called public fiancing of political campaigns and its done all the time. ....yep, run the government revenues though the stock market . Give all the players stock options. Kick a pile of the profits back to the politicians...Its call a Jules Verne propetual motion machine. Cold Fusion for the rich and powerful. ...Don't believe me ? Just follow the money...Read a SEC filing or two

Anonymous said...

This is a hard one to call. While clearly the TSA is a typical bloated incompetent government organization, the terrorists seem to be typical zealous, but equally incompetent, NGO. They seem evenly matched.
American Bandersnatch

Anonymous said...

Someone wrote a poem, and they put it on their site. Wow. I guess the person(s) responsible for this should be dragged into the street and horse-whipped to death?

Not really. Maybe you should get some perspective. Its a poem. And as you point out, done the day before.

It starts getting to be sad when some guy is always trying to find fault and nit pick everything they see, because pretty soon he starts seeing things that aren't really there, because he needs to keep fueling his anger.